Insert Witty Title Here
by Khepri
Summary: Take one cliched plot, throw in a few characters that can't stand each other, add some random sexual tension and, presto! instant badfic! Now, throw in a dash of humor, pinch of sarcasm and some irony, and presto! this mockery.
1. My Broken Heart is Broken

**Author's Note:** So.. Yeah… I was really bored when I got home from school today and I was thinking, "Hmm… What could I do to make myself less bored? I'm fresh out of ideas for my Marisu story, so why don't I make fun of the other badfics out there? HOLY SHIT, I'm an EFFING GENIOUS!" Yeah, that's where this story came from. This is just going to be making fun of clichéd plots and really bad pairings that would never, ever happen. Ever. In a million and one years. So, yeah, review and let me know what you think and what cliché/bad pairing I should make fun of next. Oh, yeah, and I also have no idea where my little "interaction at the end of the story" came from. I was just trying something a little different from my Mary-Sue parody and, well, you'll soon see what came out of it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own InuYasha. Wish I did though. I do fully support Kagome/InuYasha pairings though. So, yeah, no one beat me up about that.

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Kagome was crushed. She had thought that InuYasha loved her. She had thought that he finally would be able to forget about Kikyou and the love they once shared and focus on her. Only her. But that wasn't the case. Oh no.

Sure, Kikyou was prettier and the original and an even more powerful miko and InuYasha first serious love and had much nicer hair that didn't stick out like she desperately needed to have six inches of split ends cut and didn't have a whiney annoying voice and didn't go around stating the obvious and was much smarter, but what did she have that Kagome didn't? Huh? Huuuhhh???

Seriously, if nothing else, Kagome was nicer and so much cooler.

Booyah, biatch.

But still, Kagome couldn't understand it. Why ... How... What could have come over InuYasha to have him betray her in such a painful way? He knew how much she cared and swore that he'd never hurt her, but he did. It was like a knife through the heart... except without the blood and death. Just the pain.

'Cause if she suddenly started bleeding from a huge gash in her heart, he definitely woulda noticed that. But he didn't!! HE WAS SUCH A BASTARD THAT HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT HE EFFING BROKE HER HEART!!!1231241111!!192!#$!!!!!!!! THE BADLY DONE EXCLAMATION MARKS PROVE THAT SHE WAS CRUSHED!

It would have been bad enough if InuYasha had just gone to hell with Kikyou. But noooo, he had to go and screw her against a tree 'cause everyone knows that when Kikyou and InuYasha have sex, it has to be against a rough, painful, sharp, poky, bumpy, itchy tree. Even though sex is the last thing on Kikyou's mind and InuYasha is so not a necrophiliac, it's still better when it hurts! And not just hurts. But _huuurrrts_ like how Ludacris says it in that one song.

Dammit, now Kagome had that song stuck in her head.

How was she supposed to run away with tears streaming down her face when all she could think was, "I wanna li-li-lick you from your head to your toes and I wanna move from the bed down to the, down to the to the floor and I wanna ah-ah. You make it so good, I don't wanna leave, but I gotta kn-kn-know wha-what's your fanta-tasy"?

It so didn't work.

Maybe if she had something like "Fighter" stuck in her head it would work. It would give her the strength to run through the forest despite the twigs digging into her feet, the branches scratching at her face, the fact that her shirt was getting torn against sharp... uh... rocks and the fact that from every injury she had, blood was streaming down her skin and mixing with her sweat.

But no, she had a song stuck in her head that made people think of lust. Dammit, time to switch this fic from being an angst to being a romance! Have to go with the flow, people. Deal with it.

So, who could Kagome run into while she was in her state of distress that would instantly encircle his sinewy, heavily muscled arms around while holding her tightly against his hard, well-developed chest and murmuring reassuring, relaxing, calming words into her ears?

Kouga? Hell no. In fact, as she was running, Kagome even ran past him while he was running full speed.

He sped up in a vain attempt to catch up with her. "Kagome? What happened? Did that dog turd do something to-"

"GO TO HELL!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!" she screamed in reply, running even faster until she had left him in the dust. By now, she was probably running fast enough to create a sonic boom and crying enough to flood a river. But was her nose red and her eyes puffy? Noooo.... Were her legs so tired that they were shaking and about to give out on her? Nooo..... Which is kinda odd seeing as she has absolutely no leg muscle to begin with.

But anyways. She kept running north to south and south to southeast and southeast to diagonally northwestsoutheast and then, next thing she knew, she was lost.

No shit, Sherlock. With directions like that, even someone with a handheld GPS would get lost.

But anyways, she finally was exhausted, but ran and ran and ran until she came to a beautiful castle in the middle of a dark and sinister forest, surrounded by countless hot springs and with the mountains beautifully decorating one side while the wind swept in from a random direction from the nearby ocean.

And who do you suppose lived there?

Yup.

And is it surprising that he was actually home as opposed to wandering the land with his ward and retainer?

Nope.

And is it surprising that his ward and retainer were anywhere but the wrong place at the wrong time?

Oh hell no.

Kagome stumbled through the front doors, collapsing in a heap of sobs while her legs twitched continuously from all the use they had been put through. In one day, she literally must have added four times the muscle that she had on her entire body to her legs. Which wasn't saying all that much...

Tears flooded down her face as she sobbed, her emotions pouring out in a magnificent gush of crystalline salty water that could be called tears, but that would be redundant and no one would want that, right?

"Sob sob sob sob!!!"

"SOB, DAMMIT, SOB!!!!!"

"Oh, was that my cue?"

"Yes, you jackass!!!"

"Oh.. Sorry..."

"You'd better be."

Then, suddenly, and totally unexpectedly, Sesshoumaru appeared out of no where. He walked regally, arrogantly, haughtily, snidely, sneeringly, jeeringly, leeringly... NEERINGLY!! towards her.

"Wench, what are you doing in this Sesshoumaru's dwelling?" he asked, looking down his nose at her as if she were... well... a human. -.-;;

"I could ask you the same thing, bastard!!!!"

"... I live here."

"Oh..."

"Yeah..."

"I knew that."

"Sure you did."

"I DID!"

"And I'm agreeing."

"Sarcastically!"

"Aren't we getting away from the plot?"

"What plo- Oh, yeah, we are."

The great Sesshoumaru cleared his throat, surprisingly deciding to keep her alive instead of killing her on the spot for A) trespassing on his lands B) crying and bleeding on his expensive floor and rugs C) being his brother's "wench" and D) just for being a human in general.

Yeah, he had no reason to want her dead.

Not like Kagura. God, the little bitch. Always appearing when he didn't want her to and flattering him shamelessly even though she showed him no respect, but did try to give him Shikon shards and even youki crystals. God, he just wanted her on the ground and writhing and in so much pain that she couldn't stand -

He suddenly cleared his throat yet again. "What are you doing on my lands?"

Kagome had been strong until then. Until then, she had only felt the threat of tears - yeah, riiiight - but that was her breaking point. Fresh sobs tore through her body and she found herself throwing herself at Sesshoumaru's feet while bawling so hard that her very being threatened to crumble.

"It's your stupid brother!! He was sleeping with that stupid Kikyou and it broke my fucking heart! I can't believe that he's such a dick! I hate him! I HATE HIM!!!!"

Sesshoumaru picked at his claws, saying automatically, "Half-brother."

Kagome glared daggers at him pointedly before bawling harder and wrapping her arms around his knees.

"Oh! Sorry! I mean, no!! How could he do such a thing to someone as beautiful as you?? How could he disrespect you in such a way? How could he crush your heart and feelings so horribly? How could he-"

"Aw, cut to the chase. I'm getting sick of having to look so sad."

Sesshoumaru nodded, instantly sweeping her into his arms - because his other arm magically reappeared. Hey, it was very essential for the sex-scene. Seriously, you try doing... Heh, heh, heh, back to the topic - and holding her tightly against his chest of steel.

No, seriously, his armor was still on, so technically, it was a chest of steel.

Fortunately Kagome didn't get stabbed on his spikes. That would have been pretty awkward. I mean, for this "plot" InuYasha might be a necrophilliac, but Sesshoumaru sure as hell wasn't. Dead bodies could be hell on your complexion, especially those made of earth and clay.

Which was why Kagome ran to Sesshoumaru, he'd accept her and not run off with Kikyou. HAH! TAKE THAT, INUYASHA, YOU MAN WHORE!

So, yeah, a make out scene and several tears later, Kagome and Sesshoumaru were officially lovers/mates/soul mates/destined to be/married/going out/an item/together and decided to not save themselves for marriage/mate-hood and just have sex then and there.

'Cause seeing Kagome so hurt really made Sesshoumaru not not like humans. And... Yeah.... -shifty eyes-

The author suddenly runs out of ideas and decides to make this story a -dundundun!!- CLIFFHANGER!!!

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"Lalala, Sesshoumaru, I got the chains and roses and- HOLY SHIT!!"

"Kagura, this isn't what it looks like!"

"Like hell it isn't!!! DANCE OF THE DRAGON!!!!"

"…Shit."


	2. The Past is, Well, Past

**Author's Note:** Heh, heh, heh… I had to up the rating. ;;; You'll know why soon enough. Now, Kouga and Kagura isn't visually displeasing, but, think about it, would it ever happen? Probably as soon as Naraku ran off with Sesshoumar- Hey! That would be a great idea! I think I'll write that! No, seriously, can't you tell that behind all the hate they have for each other, they're just dying for love and affection? Alright! I'm so good!

_Aamalie_: And I must applaud you for being my first reviewer. And throw confetti in your honor. –throws confetti- PARTY!

_KaguraImmortal_: Kagura will slaughter the two of them. –taps fingers together deviously-

_Ainominako_: Oh, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, it's stuck in my head too. Or at least was when I was doing the other chapter.

_Checkey_: A non-descriptive sex scene, just as you wanted. Damn you, you made me up the rating!!! –shakes a fist at you- ; But I had fun doing it.

_Kitty the Hitwoman_: Thanks so much for the pairings. I shall be using them.

_FluffyLemonn_: I wrote this chapter thinking of you. Ok, not really, but I can pretend.

_BlueDove_: Well, I'm afraid that I am serious. Now, as I see it, there are the very occasional authors that can make the most unplausible pairings make sense, but those rare authors are so few and far between that it's pretty much good to say that they do not exist. I'm sorry if I offended you, but, at the same time, it's nice to know that I hit a nerve. It means my story has a purpose.

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SEQ CHAPTER h r 1Kouga was pissed off, pacing back and forth through his uber coolio cave that had all these awesome furs all over it and random wolves lounging about. Why is the story starting in his cave? ... You mean stories with Kouga in them can start in places other than his cave or the nearby forests that really aren't so near by?? WHAT???

And also because wolves are hot and we must describe their environment and them as much as possible! YAY!

His hair - which, obviously, was not rough or coarse like most wolves, but soft and silky like he has stolen Marisu's Panteen proV shampoo and conditioner to make it extra shiney (but not oily) and to get rid of all the split ends - swayed from side to side in the ponytail that he had it in as he walked and he even tossed it over for good measure, pausing to pose in a way that would have instantly had a zillion photographers clawing each other's eyes out to be able to get a shot of him for the cover of the newest romance novel by Ima Heartthrobb called "Sex Appeal".

His cerulean, aqua, midnight, ocean, dark sky, stormy, misty, cloudy, angry, sharp eyes were narrowed and, if that wasn't enough of a hint that he was pissed off, his strong eyebrows were furrowed so deeply that it looked like 100 pound weights had been added to the end and were tugging them down.

In other words, KOUGA WAS PISSED OFF!!! RAWR! PH34R HIM!

Now, none of the other wolves in the cave (that were all posed like pimps or whores for no apparent reason) seemed to notice that their leader was slowly but steadily wearing away at the floor of the cave - except for Ginta and Hakkaku that is, the only wolves besides Kouga (or a snivvley Ayame that the readers want to either kill for being so whiney or pity because her character was so destroyed) that ever matter.

"Hey, Kouga, you're pacing a hole in the floor," one of them pointed out. Doesn't really matter which. It's not like the average badfic author can actually tell them apart - unless saying, "The one with the hair!!" is a great way to tell them apart - and they tend to function as one unit.

Kouga stopped and threw a glare at Ginta/Hakkaku. "SHUT UP, GINTA/HAKKAKU!!"

Ginta/Hakkaku exchange glances and shrink back a few steps. "What's wrong?"

Now, it obviously does not matter that, although Ginta and Hakkaku can be a bit dense, they probably aren't stupid enough to say such... stupid things. But, it does not matter as the author needs to get the story started as quickly as possible without taking the time to either develop characters, keep them true to their personalities, or even give a flying fuck about what happens to them unless they are either Kouga or Kagura.

In fact, just for good measure, let's lob off Ayame so that she can no longer interfere with the love that shall blossom shortly.

Ayame was skipping happily through a field, minding her own business and humming a little ditty to herself while twirling a pigtail around one of her fingers and bobbing her head up and down. What the author wants the reader to do is to picture Ayame as a clueless ditzy blonde airhead that doesn't know north from south so that her poser friends that actually read this story will say, "Yeah, girl, you rock!! Kill that bitch!!!"

Anyways, as Ayame was skipping, a boulder fell on her and crushed her. SQUISH! She was flatter than a pancake. (Which is saying something, even if you normally eat lumpy pancakes.)

Now that Kouga's stupid fiancee is dead, there is no one else to pair him with but Kagura. YAY! The author does a happy dance and pats herself on the back to congratulate herself on the ingenious idea of having a random boulder fall out of the sky and crush the red-headed wolf.

Meanwhile, back in Wolf HQ, Kouga was finally getting around to answering Ginta/Hakkaku's question.

Kouga, that's your cue!!

"Right, right. Sorry. You know, I really don't think that I'd be dramatically throwing my hand across my forehead in this scene. Think we could-"

"Just get on with it!"

He rolled his eyes, threw his hand dramatically across his forehead and proceeded to stumble across the cave like he was drunk. "Oh woe is me!! Oh woe is me!! My kin has been slain by the beauti- HORRIBLE!, ero- ECCENTRIC!, and wonde- EVIL wind wi- bit- witch Kagura!"

Ginta/Hakkaku take no notice that Kouga was having trouble choosing his words - he was distraught after all - and nod knowingly. "Yeah, boss, we feel your pain. Hey! How 'bout we round up the wolves and kick her scrawny ass?"

"HER ASS IS NOT-! I mean, no! No, only I must go! After all, the rest of the wolves are busy being hoes/pimps so they don't really count. They're just there to make me look like a total pimp daddy/whore master/manager.... person."

"Well, what about us?"

"No," Kouga said, brushing the idea away. "This matter is not of your concern."

"... But... they were our kin too that-"

"Where the hell did you get an idea like that?? I'm the only one who can avenge them! ME! Not you! Now shut up and stop trying to steal my story!"

With that shouted, Kouga ran off from the cave leaving a very confused Ginta/Hakkaku looking at each other and trying to figure out what he said along with who was who.

So, anyways, Kouga ran off to find the woman that all his troubles were caused by. Actually, he was so intent on finding her that he ran past her a few times - once while she was trying to figure out how to escape from Naraku since she couldn't just steal her heart back on a night when he was human and run away, once while she was picking something out of her teeth, and once while she was screaming at Kanna for stepping on her fan. But he eventually did find her. Of course, the romance/smut scene obsessed author will say that she was in a hot spring or some other equally erotic place, but she was actually playing dolls with some very odd action figures that strangely resembled Naraku and Sesshoumaru with a high pitched voice for Naraku and a very very very low one for Sesshoumaru.

"_And I shall smite you!_ Not if I smite you first! _Just try it bitch!_ BITCH? WHO YOU CALLING BITCH!!!! SMACK DOWN!!! Nyyyyeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrsssppllllaaatttt!!"

She proceeded to have the Sesshoumaru action figure jump on the one of Naraku while making a strange roaring sound. A few minutes later, the one of Naraku was reduced to nothing more than a few broken parts and she beamed triumphantly.

"Uh... Kagura?" Kouga asked timidly, a bit afraid of what to do or say seeing as Kagura had just obliterated a doll of Naraku and was busy brushing Sesshoumaru's long hair with her claws and humming happily. "... Is this a bad time?"

"Huh? Oh! Kouga! No, no, not at all. Just living out a little fantasy of mine," she chuckled weakly, hiding the doll and doll fragments behind her back. "What up?"

He hesitated, completely deflated and having no idea exactly what he was supposed to do seeing as the mysterious woman that had mysteriously stolen his heart was not in a hot spring or randomly nude for no apparent reason. "Uh... Well.... Hm...."

Kagura began picking at her nails and made a face like she was sucking something out of her front teeth as Kouga stuttered.

"You know, Kagura, you're really not helping. Couldn't you pose erotically against a rock or something?"

"Sure, why not?"

"And I'll just come back, as if I just saw you, ok?"

"Right."

"And you'll pretend to be surprised, ok?"

"Yup."

"Can you take off your top?"

"Why?"

"Well, seeing as it's always getting ripped...."

"Yeah, sure."

"Hot damn!"

Kagura leaned seductively against a rock, her kimono in tatters for no reason other than it would be uber sexy and hot and erotic. The readers now decide that the author is either a horny computer geek with too much acne and coke-bottle glasses and is much too scrawny and slimey to have a real girlfriend or a girl who looks pretty much the same and must release her pent up sexual tension by describing random hot characters in great detail and then writing a very vague sex scene. (The author in either case is obviously a virgin and wouldn't know an orgasm if it jumped up and down naked infront of him/her while screaming, "I'M A FUCKING ORGASM!".)

Because all of the readers know Kagura's anatomy like the back of their hands (since her shirt really does get ripped off in nearly every episode that she's in), the actual description of her is pretty much irrelevant.

So, to make a long story short, Kouga walked upon Kagura, was completely smitten by her scandalous pose, found himself with a sudden lust that could not be quenched and began to screw the life out of her.

Or, to put it in more detail, Kouga growled in the back of his throat, looking totally badass as he approached Kagura who writhed against the rock like a whore on ecstasy and pulled at the fur of his skirt.

"You know, Kagura," he said while fiddling with her kimono - even though it was already in tatters so there was hardly anything to fiddle with. "I never wanted you dead. I just wanted you."

"Yeah, uh huh, what you said. Now let's get this over with."

Only slightly fazed, he approached her - while the smart readers wonder how he could have approached her yet again when he was all but pressed up against her half a second ago. Maybe he was standing on a slippery incline or something. Mmm... Kinky. He began undressing her - again with the good readers wondering what there was left to undress - with way too much detail added to how the "clothes" she wore fell off her sleek, lithe, svelte, supple body.

Yeah, and about here they started making out with a lot of detail and description added to how their tongues worked. The words "snaked", "mated" and "parried" are used considerably. Something like this: His tongue snaked into her mouth and fought with hers, parrying each thrust as their mouths mated.

Kagura slipped off Kouga's skirt (hee hee... Skirt... Hee hee hee hee heee...) and then began to struggle with his armor.

"DAMMIT!" she swore, whipping out her fan. "Hold still!"

Terrified, Kouga saw no choice but to obey.

After the neatly executed Dance of Blades tore away his armor, Kagura was left staring in shocked, stunned, sudden surprise at the very bold tan lines he sported.

Kouga glared, folding his arms in a pout. "Shut up!!"

The wind witch could only laugh harder. Some crickets chirped. The wind blew. Leaves rustled. The sun shone. She stopped.

"Alright, back to business."

"...Yeah, about time."

The two begin making out again and doing stuff that the virgin author makes up, pretending that she really knows what she's talking about or inadvertently admitting to the entire fanfiction world that she rented porn the night before just to be able to write this scene perfectly.

His manhood pressed eagerly against her thigh, throbbing in anticipation as the blood pumped towards it, each touch of hers only -

_Knock knock knock!_

.....o0; Ahem. Each touch of hers only increasing-

_Knock, DAMMIT, KNOCK!!_

OO SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!! This was no time for mom to come knocking at the door!!

The author panics and decides to hastily finish the scene off as a parent (or maybe even a grandparent) is at this very second turning the handle to the door leading to her computer room and the last thing she wants is for her family to know what a little horny pervert she is at heart. Because that would mean that they would take away the computer from her and she'd never be able to update again and that would be horrible!!!

The good readers have, by now, already vomited the contents of their stomachs either into buckets, the garbage or just a little bit in their mouths and are mentally cheering the excellent timing of Mrs. AuthorMom.

The story, unfortunately, is abandoned after the smoking sex scene - maybe mom was a little quicker than anticipated - and all the audience can do is forget about the story. Boo hoo.

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"You know, Kouga, at least Kagome can see jewel shards, but what's Kagura got to offer?"

"Uh…"

"See? Exactly. … I can't believe a boulder fell on me."

"-snickersnort-"


	3. Not Another Highschool Drama!

**Author's Note:** Hey, I know it's been a while, so I whipped up this chapter to make all you people who need laughs so desperately laugh. Just to prevent any confusion, when I refer to "the author" in these chapters, I usually am talking about a generic person and not me although I will at times (I'll try to make it obvious when) and sometimes incorporate true facts about myself. Just so you all know. Oh, and I totally love InuYasha/Kagome pairings. I mean, they're not my favorite, but they don't belong with anyone else and I'm not making fun of them in this chapter. I'm making fun of the plot. Just so you all know. –ducks behind a brick wall so that no one tries to kill her-

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters and I don't even own the plots I'm making fun of. They all belong to the bad authors out there. That's right, loves! I'm acknowledging you! I couldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for you. (Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing?)

_FluffyLemonn:_ Aww… Poor Kohaku. I know it'll be a while until you read this, but I wrote this chapter thinking of… Not Another Teen Movie, actually, but I'll say it was you to make you feel better. –snugglebite-

_Checkey:_ Haha. Glad I made you happy. I had fun writing it. In a strange, twisted way. … … I'm not a pervert either!

_Patches:_ Oh. Sorry. Forgot about that part. ;;

_Aamalie:_ Sorry, love, but I just don't see that pairing happening and it was next on my list. Sure, they're oddly appealing visually, but it just wouldn't happen. I mean, they hate each other just way too much. Maybe if they didn't have such a deadly past, it would work. But I mean, what would they use as pillow talk? "Hey honey, remember when I slaughtered your pack?" "Oh yeah, that was hot!" ; And I will go back to making fun of pairings after this chapter. I just thought that some people were taking me too seriously so I decided to just make fun of the plot and not the pairings in this chapter. Kagome/InuYasha fangirls are still going to kill me, but at least this time the pairing was supposed to be serious! Ish.

_Expunge:_ -bows- Thank you, thank you.

_KaguraImmortal:_ I love Ayame too. She just… wasn't necessary to the plot so I had to get rid of her "creatively." ; And the tan lines comes from this inside joke between me and my friends. It's rather hard to explain. But think about it! He's uber tan and is always wearing armor. So, is he tan under the armor too?

_Ainominako:_ Maybe that should be my new disclaimer. "If you eat before reading this, I do not take responsibility for what leaves your mouth!"

_Crazyronichic:_ My work here is done.

_Shjorpa:_ Parodies rock! It's just really hard to find good ones. ; I do my best though. And I will do a "conscious talking" scene in maybe the next chapter along with some Midoriko lending a helpful training hand as well. It shall be quite amusing.

_BlueDove:_ No, implausible does not mean noncannon. It means… pairings that wouldn't happen because the characters have such bad pasts together or simply despise one another. (For example, Kagura killed Kouga's pack and wolves are incredibly close to one another and Naraku killed the entire taijiya village so there's no way Sango'll be shacking up with him.) But I also make fun of badly written stories too as this chapter'll prove.

_Unknown Fool:_ Love your screen name, by the way, but that's not the point. I'll make a point of making fun of the couples you mentioned as well. There's just so many couples and so little time! Haha. Don't worry. This story'll last a looong time.

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InuYasha leaned against the roof of his totally pimped out, bright red car. No, seriously, it was like he had just been served by X to the Z, Xzibit and the whole West Coast crew from the show Pimp My Ride. Seriously, his car had spinners, diamonds on the gear shift, leather seats, the whole nine yards. It was hot. But, what else was to be expected? InuYasha was a badass pimp who didn't give a flying fuck about anyone else so he had to have an uber hot car, right?

The fact that InuYasha would be more likely to drive around in his junky pick up until it broke down is irrelevant. That is so not hot.

Anyway, he was just leaning there, watching his fellow students through lazy eyes and nodding slightly at several girls who instantly turned into a pile of goo and began bubbling on the sidewalk. Another group of girls stepped through them as they flicked their sparkling, shiney, cool anime hair at InuYasha and Miroku - who suddenly appeared because he was just too hot to leave out.

"Yo, InuYasha," Miroku said, pulling his sexy sunglasses down so that he could glance over at his friend and then watch the girls (there seemed to be a lot of them today and no men to even out the ratio. Coincidence? I think not.) as they walked down the school's front steps. "You know how prom's coming up?"

The hanyou nodded casually, kissing the air as another random whore walked by - the readers suspect that she is Yura as her neckline drops past her navel and her skirt is so short that she'd almost be better off without it and, she has a hair fetish. "Yeah. Why? Need me to hook you up with someone? Want me to find you a girl that'll wanna do a little sumthin' sumthin' on the side?"

Miroku chuckled, rolling his shoulders back to crack his spine for no reason other than it would show off his rippling abs and make more girls turn into goo. "Nah, I'm good. I know who I'm asking."

"Really?" InuYasha asked, doing a total 180 and acting like a giggling school girl whose friend just revealed that she had the daily gossip to dish out.

"Oh yeah."

"Who?"

"Ooooh.... It's a surprise."

The hanyou pouted, crossing his arms and going back into his badass persona. "Fine. Be that way."

"I was actually going to ask you something."

"... I am not going to the prom with you."

Another random girl, who happened to be listening, burst into tears at the mere thought that her two, not one, but two, heartthrobs were gay and ran off, tears streaming down her face as she cursed God for his cruelty.

"No! Eew! _Eeww!_ That's not what I was going to ask!" Miroku shouted before buffing his nails against his unbuttoned, silk purple shirt. Oh yeah, if anyone doubted that he was a pimp too, all they had to do was look at his clothes and they would soon know otherwise. He even had a pimp cane!! Sure, some idiots might call it a "staff" on first glance, but what else could it be other than a pimp cane.

"... Right... So what were you going to ask?"

"Well, you know how we're horny teenagers with nothing to do, right?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, we don't even go to our classes! We don't even have classes! We just come to school to look hot and make out in the choir room like the rest of the world, right?"

InuYasha suddenly shuddered so badly that it looked like he was having a seizure. Between convulsions, he managed to gasp out, "Don't ever speak of that again!! That room has been tainted!"

"Come on, just because your brother finally has a girlfriend..."

"They were screwing on the risers!!!"

Miroku ran a hand through his messy hair that was down just because it looked so much more roguey and fuckable that way. "How is that different from you and that one chick?"

"My brother isn't supposed to have hormones!"

The other young man opened his mouth to speak, then paused, realizing how true that statement would have been at any other time.

"Exactly."

Unperturbed, Miroku continued, "Well, what I was saying is that I think that it would be hilarious if you turned the next person who walked down those steps into your really hot date and then stood her up!"

The hanyou shook his hair out of his eyes - since it was always getting in his way. "Hmm... Interesting. Why?"

"I dunno. Just for kicks."

"Alright, sounds like a plan," InuYasha said before suddenly getting a revelation and standing up. "But here's something even better! Why don't we spice that up by making it be the second person who walks down the stairs and I have to sleep with her. Twice!"

The two men exchanged high-fives at the sheer brilliance of this and then grabbed more random girls and had a victory make out session.

The author beams as well and huggles her bishie plushie that she bought at Hot Topic for 13 dollars minus her 15 discount. That's right, bitches, I bought a demon lord for, like, 10 bucks! Jealousy may begin now.

Anyways, because it is the _second_ person that walks down the stairs and InuYasha has to screw her _twice_, there is absolutely nothing cliche or predictable about it. In fact, none of the readers know that they will somehow develop a deep, undying love for each other. And, if they found out before the author revealed it, the author would have to kill them.

As the author sharpens knives and practices her kick ass Tae Kwon Do moves, the readers simultaneously gulp and pretend that they didn't read the author's plan, just in case it wasn't time for them to know.

The next person who walked down the stairs was Kikyou. InuYasha and Miroku groaned at their bad luck. After all, Kikyou was one hot bitch that the entire school wanted to have on her back. Why couldn't they have stuck with number one?

The next girl who happened to descend the steps (have to phrase it differently, yo) was Sango. Miroku instantly jumped InuYasha and slammed his head into the hood of the car, as if to pretend that he hadn't seen her.

"Not Sango, bitch! She's mine!!!!!" Miroku screamed, going very possessive and clawing at InuYasha's face like a girl. Sango walked by, slapped Miroku for claiming to "own" her, and then high-fived her other punk/badass/dangerous friends (Kagura, Ayame and Yura) before they got on their Harley-Davidsons and zoomed away.

Miroku fell back on the hood of the car, sighing wistfully and placing a hand to his cheek where a vibrant hand print was visible. "Ah... You know she wants me."

The hanyou was about to reply just as Kagome Higurashi, the nerdiest nerd that was so nerdy that even the nerds wouldn't hang out with her, walked down the stairs.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!" he said, tears streaming to his eyes. "Not Kagome! Not Kagome!! Anyone but Kagome!!"

Miroku, however, had suddenly grown devil horns and his pimp cane had turned into a devil's pitchfork. "Nope, InuYasha. Her. MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

With no other role in the plot, the pervert zoomed off in his car to find a way to woo Sango or do something else that horny, hot, lecherous teenage boys do.

InuYasha, who could never ever ever turn down a challenge in a hundred and one years, flipped off his car and approached Kagome who was searching for the keys to her minivan.

Eeew.... Minivan. That's just so unhot. It's cold!!

"Yo, Higurashi!"

Kagome turned around, smiling broadly through her braces at her secret heartthrob and wiping her nose with the back of her hand as she snorted. "Hey, InuYasha! What up, yo, mah homie G dog?"

The hanyou face faulted at her attempt to speak ghetto and made a mental note that Asians should not act ghetto as she waved her hands in the air and promptly fell over. "Uh..."

She instantly stood up, blushing bright red - like a really red tomato.

"Higurashi, you know the prom?"

She gasped, nearly choking on her retainer even though she had braces as well. Hey, she had really _really_ bad teeth, ok? "Oh my God!! Are you going to ask me to prom?"

"Yeah and I could make you look all hot and maybe we could fuck once or twice too."

"That is so cool that you are doing this with absolutely no personal gain on your part!" she squealed and instantly threw her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly.

Crickets chirped as InuYasha crossed his fingers behind his back and shifty eyed several times. "Yeah... No gain on my part what so ever."

"This is so going up on my web page!366245!!!!#!!!! WH00T!!!!!!!!"

InuYasha face faulted yet again, wondering what he had gotten himself into. "Well, Higu- Kagome, prom's the day after tomorrow so I'd better get you started on your make over, huh?"

Kagome squealed yet again as he whipped out a totally pimped out cell phone that matched his car, dialed a few numbers, made a few bribes, pushed a few buttons, threatened a few threatenees and got Kagome hooked up with a totally exquisite spa treatment.

A few hours later, InuYasha was chilling in his totally pimped out mansion - because he and his dad were pimps and so was his brother apparently - trying to block out the sounds of his brother and Kagura screwing upstairs. Which was difficult. Very difficult. So difficult that he had to resort to sticking three ear plugs in each ear and it _still_ wasn't working.

Poor hanyou. Too bad his brother discovered what hormones were.

Anyways, the door suddenly opened slowly and standing there, with the wind blowing her hair elegantly about her and her dress so that the already scandalous thigh slit she had appeared even more scandalous, was Kagome. And not geeky Kagome, but totally hot, sexy, pimpette Kagome. Her braces? Gone! Retainer? Thrown out! Coke bottle glasses? Nonexistent! She was hot. Like a porn star. Curves in all the right places (which are never actually mentioned, but must be right) and flawless skin and everything else that a girl needs to be hot.

In fact, InuYasha was feeling even hornier than usual just by looking at her. Pimp InuYasha was at a loss of words and almost drowning in his own drool at the complete hotness of the sex symbol that stood before him.

"Let's fuck," Kagome said erotically as she tackled him onto the couch and the two proceeded to do just that.

Meanwhile, Inu-papa who had pulled up outside the house seconds earlier, sniffed the air and beamed when he realized that both his sons were getting laid. He was so proud that he pulled out of the driveway and decided to rent a hotel room so he could get busy with Izayoi without disturbing them. Aww... how considerate of him.

Hours later, after the two had screwed several times, Kagome laid sprawled across his chest and InuYasha smiled a goofy sort of drunk smile. The girl, however, got up as if nothing had just happened and proceeded to get dressed back in her uber hot dress.

"Kagome? What are you doing?" InuYasha asked, suddenly finding it hard to breath. Could it be... Had he suddenly fallen for her? No! That was impossible! She was Kagome Higurashi, rejected even by the geeks! But... but somehow... the way her hips swayed as she walked which was way more than necessary and how she flicked her hair... she was just so beautiful that it hurt. IT HURT, DAMMIT!! He needed her there!!

"Sorry, lover," she said, shrugging a shoulder. "But I heard you and Miroku talking so I just waited for the perfect moment. Looks like the player got played."

That said, she made out with him one last time and gave him a lap dance just to show off what he was missing out on before kissing the air contemptuously and leaving the house. The sound of a motorcycle was heard and the readers could either decide that she had left with the other bad ass girls that were previously named or Kouga.

InuYasha, however, completely distraught about what had happened, threw a blanket around his waist and ran outside screaming, "No! Kagome! Nooooo!!"

He fell to his knees on the side walk, sobbing at his ill-fortune and the story ends dramatically, angsty and in a way that makes all the fangirls want to screw the hanyou's brains out so that he could feel better.

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"… Hmm… That was weird."

"Very weird! You're way above looking like a porn star!"

"InuYasha! That's so sweet coming from you! –hugglehuggle-"

"… -blushblush-"


	4. You're Not My Daughter, I Swear!

**Author's Note:** Yes, it has been a while. No, I won't apologize or give a dramatic explanation about how my dog died, my grandma once removed went bald or how my eyebrows burned off. I've just been busy or haven't gotten around to typing. That's life, people. Yeah, I am being a little bitchy/snappy right now, but I'm a girl so I can conveniently blame PMS and take no responsibility for my actions. Hey you! Yeah, you sitting by the computer monitor. Yeah, you with no life. Gimme your money. Right, as per usual, I did not proof this chapter because I think it adds to the flavor of a parody that is parodying a bad story. And I am upset because I should have added the cliché of a school serial killer in my other chapter, but I forgot to. Dammit. Oh well, I'll hit that later. This chapter is not only making fun of the Rin/Sesshoumaru pairing, but also the clichés around it. Enjoy. Or, at least, try to. Oh yes, and also, this will be the only story that I am updating on this account. Try not to cry too much. This is, just so you know, my worst and least funny chapter so far. You were warned.

_Aamalie:_ Well, I obviously didn't update soon, but I did update. XD Ahem. I'd comment on more, but … It's a lot to comment on and my brain hurts. I lost brain cells writing these chapters.

_Unknown Fool:_ Khepri is Egyptian for "Morning Sun". I know, I'm a dork. XP And my lover Sango-chan discovered the plushie one time when we were at the mall and I promptly bought it. Mwuahahaha.

_Orion Kohaishu:_ -valley girl voice- Um, well, the girls definitely have to be the nerd because, like, what kind of guy will get a make over and, like, there is no way that, like, I am going to diss my men by making them nerds. Whatever, loser.

_Divine-Red-Crayon:_ Well, your family can press charges, but I am broke. … That also means that I wouldn't be able to hire a good lawyer, but I talk so much that I'd confuse the jury. Haha.

_Aiffe:_ Hmm… Two boys in an all girl's school? That really would make sense. DAMMIT! Why do all these good ideas appear AFTER I wrote the chapter? T.T And, what's the point of living without walking the thin line? Sure, you fall now and again, but it makes life much more fun.

_BlueDove:_ Look, I'm not at all trying to insult your views or anything because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This is just my opinion, my thoughts and if I offend someone to the point of no return, they can just stop reading. And no, I won't take you so seriously that I change myself or anything like that, but I will respect the fact that there are other opinions out there unlike some people.

_Crystal Twilight of Fire:_ Hahaha. Well, a friend of mine told me that I got high off air. Does that help to clarify things at all?

_HighlyOffended:_ -beams- Yes, I'm working on becoming FanFiction's most guilty pleasure. It would be a nice plaque to make, don't you think?

_Special Fred:_ Thank you.

_Unknown Fool:_ No, I promised myself not to take down any of my stories even though I hate most of 'em. ; And I'll keep updating this one and maybe Complete Perfection if I get more ideas. Slitted Eyes will be updated too… eventually.

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One day, while watching episodes of InuYasha that the author had compulsively bought, memorized, and otherwise duct-taped to her brain, the author saw something. Something that foreshadowed a pairing that was so fantabulous, so awesome and so bee-e-e-e-eeeyuuutiful that the author realized that she must have been a fucking genius to come up with it.

Sesshoumaru was going to end up screwing Rin's brains out.

Oh yes, the sexual tension between them was so ridiculously evident that the air crackled with it. (No, that was not Toukijin's power or any of the demon attacks. It seriously was the sexual tension.) After all, Sesshoumaru was always there when Rin needed him, she followed him incessantly and, to top it off, she was a girl and he was a boy.

Holy shit, that definitely meant that they were destined to be.

JUST LIKE AVRIL'S SONG SAYS! The author takes a break here to randomly belt out a few lines of "Sk8er Boi" and proclaim that Avril is rock's new goddess just to prove to her poser friends that she is the most awesome piece of shit that ever existed.

OMG AVRIL RAWKS ASHLEE ROCKS I KANT SPEL OR UZ PUNKTUASION CUZ IM HARDCORE AND I RAWK!#!32453!145! OMGWTFBBQ!

Having done so, she returns to the story.

After thinking about it for a second or two, the author decides that the fact that Rin is maybe 6 years old could put a damper on the romance. It was slightly paedophillic and that was not something the author wanted to go into.

So, she got an incredible idea. Cackling like ... cooking popcorn, she began... to type. Dun dun duuuun.

"Rin," Sesshoumaru said for no apparent reason other than to start the story because he definitely talks a lot and would definitely waste breath on a word that isn't that necessary.

Rin, who was right beside him playing with a chain of daisies because that was all Rin ever did other than realize her destiny of becoming the slutiest ho that ever strutted in the Feudal Era. And when she was fighting against people like Kagura that loses her seven kimono layer top every time she's around any "strong" attack, that's quite the accomplishment.

"Rin," Sesshoumaru repeated because Rin was not paying attention because, since she was only 6, she got distracted by everything including a floating piece of pollen.

"SESSHOUMARU-SAMA!" Rin shouted in excitement so loudly that it made the earth shake and caused Pompeii to erupt and promptly caused her demon lord to go deaf for a few moments. "Did you know that everything that is needed for a tree to become a tree is already contained inside this tiny pollen? It's like a baby tree even though it doesn't look like a tree even though baby people look like people and baby youkai probably look like youkai and baby foxes look like foxes except all of the babies are just littler than the big ones. But all the pollen needs is time, sunlight, dirt and rain and VOILA! it's a tree!"

Sesshoumaru rubbed his ears carefully, watching Rin's mouth moving and knowing that she was trying to communicate, but that all he could hear was, "... -arm gesture- ... -big smile- ... -ee!" Rather than have her repeat it, he nodded and smiled. "Of course, Rin."

"And," Rin began, taking in a deep breath because there'd be a lot that she was saying, "did you know-"

It was here that Sesshoumaru cut her off because he needed to get the plot moving so that he could get screwing sooner. "Rin, I must leave you now. I have decided that it is no longer safe for you to be in my company. Jaken will take you to a human village where you will grow up. Do not try to follow me, contact me, stalk me, see me, smell me, hear me or send me dead rabbits tied together by the ears. Good bye, Rin."

He stalked off because Sesshoumaru did not simply "walk" he either glided, strode, moved, meandered or... ... rolled.

He was too cool for mere walking. Psh.

Anyway, Rin was left blinking in surprise. "What the fuck just happened?"

"RIN! DO NOT SAY THAT ABOUT ANYTHING LORD SESSHOUMARU SAYS!1231!1ONE!" Jaken shouted, using caps-lock rage to prove his anger. "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO KISS THE GROUND HE STANDS ON OR FUCK HIM SENSELESS!"

Rin looked very confused and made this clear by saying, "Huh?"

Jaken, on the other hand, ignored her along with the fact that he had just given away what would be the plot once Sesshoumaru felt guilty for leaving Rin and came back for her in 10 years. Yeah, it took him a while, but shhhh! Jaken's being the plot foreshadowing device!

"Rin," Jaken said, suddenly becoming the evil anti-hero and growing evil little demon horns. Squillions of miles away, the look of Jaken's evilness as seen through Kanna's mirror caused Naraku to keel over dead from fright.

Kagura began laughing evilly and even threw back her head so as to better laugh and seem evil while Kanna gave her a "what the fuck are you doing you stupid woman that has lost her mind and needs to get out more and needs to possibly get laid to release the sexual tension that fangirls feel that you have between every single possible character because you are this era's designated whore" look.

The readers look a little confused and carefully inch away from their monitors to get as far away as possible from the author that is typing this because she obviously is not completely stable mentally.

"HEY! I AM BEING A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON RIGHT NOW!" Jaken screamed and dragged the story back towards him even though it is clear that no one cares at all about Jaken because he is stupid. Because I said so.

Jaken cleared his throat, regrowing his evil horns and having scary looking red lights shine on him in a way to intensify the drama. (BE SCARED, READERS, DAMMIT!) Seeing that everyone was scared, Jaken continued, "I hate you Rin. You are stupid. I am not taking you to a human village. Good bye."

No longer being important, Jaken disappeared. Just like that. POOF!

Tears began to well in Rin's eyes for she was sad and tears tend to appear when one is sad. They also appear when one gets kicked in the balls/boobs because that hurts, but that did not happen to Rin. Everyone had left her so she was sad.

As a way to show her sadness, the author searches on google for the lyrics to a sad song that all the readers know and will inspire them to shed a tear for our tragic heroine.

The authoress decides that no song exists that would capture the sadness and betrayal that Rin is feeling so she decides to splice together bits and pieces from songs that she does know. It goes something like this:

_Every day is so wonderful, then suddenly, it's hard to breathe._

_This is when I start to bite my nails._

_There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight._

_Oooh, solitude, I can't stay away from you._

Once Rin's sadness has been established, the small girl gets up and begins acting like she's in a music video. She starts yelling in space, pretending it's a camera, and the lyrics gets angrier and then sluttier to show that she's aging.

_Now that you're outta my life, I'm so much better_.

_After all you put me through, you'd think I'd despise you._

_Bodies packed front to back, move your ass, I like that._

_I put it right there, made it easy for you to get to._

At this point in time, the author was bored. No one seemed to realize how FUCKING HARD it was to google a song that would perfectly fit the mood and if she had to hear one more thing about how someone didn't know what song she was talking about, she would give up writing! (The readers with at least a hint of taste begin to think of the angriest song bashing reviews that they can to get the author to shut the hell up.) And also, the author was bored because it took people so long to grow up. SERIOUSLY! Why couldn't Rin just suddenly go POOF and be old enough to be fuc-

Suddenly, and without any explanation as to how Rin survived on her own or how she grew up or if a day even passed, Rin became a beautiful, booty - and booby - licious girl that would have been made into everyone's lusted after diva if she was born 500 years later.

In other words, my lusty, horny, and Hollywood-savvy readers, imagine someone with Beyonce's body, Amy Lee's voice, Adriana Lima's facial features (and body too to make Beyonce's even better), Angelina Jolie's raw sex appeal and... damn, that would be one ugly person. I MEAN! There you go. That's Rin.

Of course, because Rin has never lived anywhere but on her own (though how she survived is a bit sketchy. The author tried to explain it in a previous chapter, but all the readers could make out was, "PAIN... distress... blah blah blah... SORROW SADNESS BETRAYAL... survival... donkeys... yum." Most of the readers ended up being more confused than before they tried to read it.), she never changed her kimono so it just became strategically revealing and slutty and Rin pretended to not notice. Because innocent made people that much more fuckable.

Anyway, around this time which is probably 10 years later because everyone's the hottest they're ever going to be at age 16 and because all of the readers can relate to being that age and getting their brains fucked out by ridiculously hot demon lords, Sesshoumaru began to feel guilty about abandoning Rin, the child that he was supposed to take care of and raise after bringing back from the dead.

Took you long enough, jackass.

Realizing that he had been a completely stupid, idiotic, unfeeling, egotistical, uncaring, POOPY-HEADED jerk, Sesshoumaru decided to go find Rin. Because he was the coolest youkai (see? The author SO is not a poser. She is a hardcore InuYasha fan because she can say nani, Kami, youkai, hanyou and ramen. Take that, haters.) that ever existed, it was simple to find her. Of course, because he was a man and therefore heartless, stupid, egotistical, uncaring, stupid, and POOPY-HEADED, he always showed up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

This means, dear readers, that he discovered Rin once more when she was in a hot spring - isn't it amazing how many of those are floating around Feudal Japan? All someone needs to think is, "Hmm... a wanna-be plot device would be lovely. OH LOOK! A hot spring!" and there one is! Amazing. Of course, because she was in a hot spring, that meant that, not only was she naked, but she was horny and probably masturbating.

The readers throw up a little bit in their mouths and the author takes this time to get huffy and snarl out, "Oh yeah? Well masturbation is just sex with someone you love, haters!"

Whatever, Rin was horny and wet and Sesshoumaru was a man. Obviously, they were going to have sex. Here is the edited version:

".." ... "...".

Apologies, dear readers, but the author has a very strong "horny teenager" blocker on her computer. See chapter 2 for the reason.

After what must have been an intense, physical, draining, pleasuring, romantic and MAGICAL encounter, Rin curled up with her head on Sesshoumaru's chest (they were still in the hot spring, yo) and smirked, knowing that the readers had no idea what she had just done because they were all virgins with wild imaginations that had to read or write bad and overly descriptive smut in order to feel better. Hah, well she was a bonafide slut so she was better.

"You know, Sesshoumaru," she purred because purring is sexy and does not resemble a cat at all which dogs hate and does not make Sesshoumaru bare his teeth and get the ridiculous urge to bark his brains out and then lick his balls like dogs do. "Isn't it a good thing that you abandoned me? I mean, if you hadn't abandoned me, you would have raised me and that would have made you like my father, or at least my step-father and what kind of person wants to have sex with their father or step-father? That's only a little disgusting in my opinion. Seriously, what kind of dipshit comes up with that sort of stuff? Anyways, it's good that you abandoned me because now we aren't in that situation and we can feel free to have sex whenever we want to without angry readers flaming us claiming that we are nasty paedophiles that enjoy incest. Isn't it wonderful? ... Sesshoumaru? Are you listening?"

Apparently Rin was going to talk as much as she always did. Sesshoumaru say only one way to stop this. She'd have to be giving him a constant blow job or be constantly orgasming (yes, the author created another new word) so that her mouth or vocal cords would be too busy to talk.

Insert 42801843959723.025 sex scenes here. The .025 happens because during one spout of their love-making (can't make it sound so crude all the time, people. This isn't sex, this is LOVE. Because LOVE is a POWERFUL and WONDERFUL force and is everyone's motive behind having sex and ALWAYS saves peoples' lives and makes them feel like better people.), Rin had to give birth to the 132576788643214699622 children that had been developing in her belly. Seriously, safe sex is important and obviously was not invented yet, so Rin would be very pregnant.

See? I'm not a bad author. I think of everything. Rin has to be older, Sesshoumaru can't have raised her, sex makes babies. How could anyone hate or flame that?

xxxxxxxxx

"Sesshoumaru-sama, Rin has a question."

"Yes?"

"When Rin grows up, will Sesshoumaru-sama still want her to be her guardian?"

"In a platonic, non-sensual way, of course."

"-snuggle- Rin is happy and Rin hopes that the Pretty Lady will marry Sesshoumaru-sama and have sisters for Rin! … Sesshoumaru-sama? … Your cheeks are the color of Pretty Lady's eyes!"


	5. From the Abyss

**Author's Note:** Extra long chapter because it took me extra long to get to the point. --;; Go me. ... Nope, nothing else to say here. Now go on. Shoo!

_Divine-Red-Crayon: _Yeah, I'm a Frenchie too. (Although I'm dropping it this year and hopefully taking up Arabic. WH00T! -waves flag-) Yeah... the poser jokes. I'm sorry, I just can't resist. They're too easy to pull. xD

_inu lover:_ Hey, it's my goal to be funny. So laugh away!

_Aamalie:_ I said least funny because I was definitely more ranty in that chapter than in my previous ones and I think part of the humor I create lots of the times is the fact that it... lacks emotion. I don't know, I just feel that getting angry makes things much less funny. Maybe I'm wrong though. I'm glad that you found the chapter funny though.

_Phenomenon:_ Why, thank you.

_FrameofMind: _Actually, I think you read my mind because Inu/San was the next on my list to do. And I agree that the author's talent or lack-there-of is what makes the story float or sink. Not the fact that the characters are "canon couples".

_Roxanne05: _Here you go!

_Orion Kohaishu: _Don't worry, I wasn't making fun of anyone in particular. Just the badfic world in general.

_TerraKagomeLogan: _Oh, trust me. I'm far from running out. But I am thinking of doing a slash or mpreg spoof in later chapters.

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"Goddamn it," said a very angry reader one day while reading all the stories that made her angry. Like the one that several readers are currently reading now. "Why is Khepri such a bitch that swears so much and thinks that she's so fucking cool 'cause she says fuck instead of sex? And what the fuck is a khepri? Why do people have to go speakin' other languages and shit like that? Hell-o, I didn't make it through Junior High for nothing and even I don't know what a khepri is. It's not like my mom would say "Hey, honey, pass me some khepri for my sausages; they're a little bland." Well, you know what? I'm going to write a story that even SHE can't make fun of because it's so WELL-WRITTEN and in character."

The following story is that story, pulled out of the depths of the merciless bottomless pit that is fanfiction by a girl, a girl that was trying to send a message to the brain damaged, badfic loving world out there. A girl who did not care of the risks she put herself through, the IQ points she lost by dropping to a level as low as parody-ness. A girl who desperately wanted to be heard one last time before the abyss that was writer's block over came her:

"Fanfiction's fucked up."

Many years ago, in an era that was known as the "Feudal Era" or the "Tsushimushilanutsuo (aka: Japanese Word I Can't Pronounce)", there were four friends. Well, technically, there were more than four, but only four were relevant because only four were hot. In case people were stupid and not aware of the times, their names were Kagome Higurashi, Sango, Miroku and InuYasha. Only Kagome had a last name because only she could spell. Duh.

They were sitting in a field, gazing lovingly into each others' eyes. Ok, technically they weren't all gazing into all of each others' eyes because it's really hard to gaze into more than one person's eyes at a time (strange, but unfortunately true). More specifically, Kagome was gazing into InuYasha's eyes, Sango was gazing into Miroku's eyes. And the boys were staring in their respective girl's eyes - because it is possible to gaze into someone's eyes without them gazing back. A little stalker-ish, but possible.

So, they were all sitting there, in love. It was a beautiful time. So beautiful, in fact, that harps could be heard in the distance, light was shining on them and, if one listened very carefully, a voice as soft and gentle as a baby snoring could be heard singing something.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes."

Alright, there was no need to listen that carefully.

But, what was particularly was the fact that they were all so happy. Unfortunately, because of budget cuts that are needed to fund everything but the writers, betas cannot be afforded so typos cannot be avoided. Because of that, no one will ever know what this thing that was particularly something truly was. The readers all shed a tear at this sadness.

And the ones that mention that betas are free find burning daggers in their throats when they wake up. (Even though they don't technically wake up. Because they're dead. Then others shed a tear at that sadness and wonder why they had to be smart and point out the obvious. WHY? Why, dammit, why, you cruel, heartless bitch of a world?)

They all were so happy that little bunny rabbits with the words "Happiness Bunnies" tattooed on their sides in pink tattoo ink were bouncing around them.

Unfortunately, like always, good things must come to an end.

All of a sudden, without any rhyme or reason, without any warning, NARAKU APPEARED!

"Mwuahahaha!" said Naraku because Naraku laughs like that. Technically it's more of a kukukuku sound, but the author is usually too busy drooling over how hott (with two t's to make it that much harder corer) the guys are to notice that they're actually saying anything. "MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

The Inu-Gumi (because that's so cool to say, just like the Inu-Tachi and the Inu-moremadeupjapanese) stared at him, too stoned to actually do anything useful. Like kill him.

"Dammit you sons and daughters of bitches! Just kill the fucking asshole in the middle of his laugh! Why must everyone take the time to say or think their thoughts and explain each move? KILL THE BASTARD!"

Yes, that would be Kagura, floating casually over head and being very angry. So angry that her eyes turned re- that her eyes were glaring at the people below and her hair was standing on end. Sorta... It was hard to tell since it was pulled back, but her bangs were standing up on end! More so than usual, that is.

And no, the reason they were standing up on end had absolutely nothing to do with the suspiciously sloppy way her kimonos were tied.

"KILL HIM, DAMMIT! AND GET ON WITH THE STORY OR I SWEAR THAT I WILL TAKE THIS FAN AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR-"

Unfortunately, she died suddenly. For no apparent reason. There was just a dead Kagura on a feather all of a sudden and no one seemed to notice. Boo hoo.

But back to the Inu-Ramen. Naraku had killed Kagome and Miroku in a way that was not explained, but might have been alluded to during Kagura's rant. In this time, he also died himself. Tough shit. Took out the "big fish" and it's too much for you. Well, you suck at life. Loser.

Time suddenly slowed down as it took both Sango and InuYasha all of what seemed to be a year to cross all of what seemed to be a two inch gap between them and their respective lovers. Apparently sorrow can do that to you.

"NOOOOoooOOOoooOoOoOoOOooOOO...oo..OO...oo...OOOOOO!" they screamed.

"MY LOVE!" InuYasha shouted.

"MY BELOVED!" Sango wailed.

"I LOVE YOU!" InuYasha declared.

"DON'T LEAVE ME!" Sango sobbed.

"COME BACK!" InuYasha begged.

"IF YOU HEAR ME, GROPE ME!" Sango whimpered. Loudly.

"Damn, why do all my loves have to keel over?" InuYasha grumbled.

"And my love has to be a douche-bag dipshit motherfucker," Sango growled.

Apparently, so much time passed in them trying to reach their dead loves, that they realized that they didn't love 'em really. In fact, the bodies suddenly disappeared with a loud "AKNNNRRRUUUAAARRRZZZZNNLLLLUURRRGGG!" that was the sign of a dangerous being, one even more bloodthirsty than Naraku known as the "Black Hole of Plots." None that ever reach its dark, lifeless depths ever returned.

Wow, really sucks to be Kagome and Miroku around now!

Sango looked at InuYasha. InuYasha looked at Sango. They were looking at each other.

"What the fuck is your problem, dipshit?" Sango snarled, baring her strangely vampiresque fangs at him and spitting out what seemed to be the "insult of the day." Oooh, look out. Someone's being called a dipshit. What now.

"It's your eyes..." InuYasha said with a dreamy sigh that made the readers with an IQ higher than 51.027 (the IQ of a rock, yo. I calculated it.) suddenly realize that this story had the high probability of merging becoming a badfic.

Gee, what was your first hint?

"What about them?" Sango wailed, suddenly very concerned. Hey, her eye make-up was DAMN hard to put on and even harder to put on so that it stayed on during battle. And the secret had to be very well kept because she did not feel like having to share it with the ancestors of Tyra Banks and Josie Maran.

Unfortunately, word eventually got out which is how the jingle "maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline" came out.

"They're so beautiful..."

Sango smirked. "Oh, yeah, I know."

"You know, Sango, I'm having problems falling in love with you when you're acting this hostile."

"Well, unfortunately for you, my True Love just died and I'm feeling a little testy."

"Yeah? My true love died too."

"Mine has capital letters so it's more important."

"Well that's fucked up! What was different."

"We were destined to be."

"And we weren't?"

"Nope."

"Were too!"

"Stop being immature."

"... Who's talking?"

"Not sure, Sango."

"No, no, you're Sango, I think. I think I'm talking now..."

"Really? I coulda sworn that it was me..."

"Nope, nope, this is definitely InuYasha right now."

"Yeah right, dipshit. How can you tell?"

"You just said 'dipshit' again."

"Oh, point taken."

The two let out a long sigh, happy that their identities had not been stolen in atrocious, despicable, disgusting, cruel, vile, but most importantly, ORIGINAL ways.

"Oh, damn, my True Love just died," InuYasha said, eyes filling with tears.

"What did I say about capitalization?"

"You know, it was established earlier that both of us are illiterate in which case, capitalization really is the least of our worries.

"Oh, so now you get a brain. Now that Naraku's dead and it doesn't matter if you waste time thinking through your steps instead of killing him!"

"Hey, don't blame this all on me miss "I'm the best demon slayer of my village"!"

"... I really don't want to start this again. I like knowing who I am and when I'm talking."

"Point taken."

The two let out another long sigh because that is what people do when they are confused, thinking, mortally wounded, dying, or sad. In this case, the two were sad.

"Why? WHY? OH, GOD, WHYYYY?" Sango suddenly wailed, flinging herself into InuYasha's arms and sobbing hysterically into her shoulder while she wrapped her arms so tightly around his neck that he could feel himself beginning to go blue. However, instead of dying like most normal people did, he found himself feeling the sudden, inexplicable urge to comfort the sobbing girl and make it so that she never had to cry again. Make it so that... she never hurt again. To protect her from the world and its cruel, heartless ways.

The readers all simultaneous turn to paragraph 3, section A on page 19 of their "Ways to Spot Cliches, Plot Holes, Mary-Sues and Other Story Diseases" manuals and find the phrase identical to the few just read. They all simultaneously, because they're cool that way, read:

"Sentences in which a main character finds him or herself with the sudden desire to protect a person that they have only recently met or only recently even remotely considered having a romantic relationship with are ideal ways to make the readers feel emotionally connected to that character and wish that their significant other would realize that love and devotion cannot only be expressed through words but also through actions like sighing, smiling softly, brushing hands lightly when passing a book to one another, or even sacrificing oneself."

Satisfied that they now knew how to respond, the readers got glazed looks that made glazed doughnuts jealous and continued reading with smiles that made anyone sitting near them wonder if the monitor was laced with crack.

The author, of course, takes no responsibility for whatever may happen to anyone because of the druggies at their school, home, or wherever the computer is located, but highly suggests that stories this addicting be read in the privacy of your room due to the fact that there are some real freaks out there, yo!

What seemed like a hundred years later, but was really only about 5.982 angsty, dramatic, heart-felt minutes, Sango stopped sobbing and pulled herself away from InuYasha far enough to look deep into his captivating eyes.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, a voice hissed, "Looook into my eeeyyyessssss..."

"What the fuck was that?" InuYasha growled, being in character for the first time in the entire story.

"No clue," Sango replied, being very oblivious and out of character. "But what does it matter? LIFE IS A BITCH! Everyone around me dies! ... I'm going to go jump off a cliff now and you can't stop me!"

So she proceeded to try and do just that. Because of his super-dooper timing, InuYasha managed jump down the cliff, turn in midair and intersect her so that he caught her and ended up taking the force of the fall himself 'cause it wouldn't kill him 'cause he was a hanyou and it would have killed Sango 'cause she was just a person.

Technically, the point was that Sango would die 'cause she was depressed, but the author doesn't really care about that because abbreviating words has made her thinking skills die.

Sango groaned, lifting herself so that she was in what was kind of a push-up position, but more a sexily sprawled position over InuYasha's chest. "Damn that fucking hurt..."

She looked down to see that Tetsusaiga's hilt had jammed into her stomach during the impact and that there was a suspiciously swiftly growing black and purple mark on her stomach that probably meant that all of her organs had squashed together and she'd die anyway.

"Ah, damn," she growled, poking her stomach - 'cause poking makes everything better.

Then, she remembered that she always wore her demon slayer outfit under her kimono and that the armor had saved her. Silly Sango! She had just been hallucinating.

The readers all have a good guffaw at this and pat each other heartily on the back.

"I say, jolly good show!"

"That little strumpet sure had us worried there!"

"Hahaha, wonderful, Higgins, but tell me this, is she really a strumpet?"

There is an inexplicable silence during which the author sits in the corner, polishing her katana and grumbling something about readers who "are too loud for their own good".

Just as Sango realized that she wasn't going to die - which she decided was a good thing even though she had just jumped off a cliff that could rival any found on Everest - InuYasha began to stir.

As he did so, Sango mysteriously fainted again, sprawling once more over his chest 'cause that was hot.

"Ow... My head..." InuYasha muttered while the readers think "NO SHIT!". He looked down to see a dark haired girl sprawled across his chest, her hair fluttering around her as a light wind picked up and her deep, entrancing eyes shut, a peaceful look on her face.

"Sango," InuYasha whispered, shaking her lightly with an arm. Like that was a good idea. Did it ever occur to him that she could have broken her neck? That moving her could have caused all of her systems to shut down and her to die even if she wasn't originally dead? THAT THE LAST THING YOU SHOULD DO IS SHAKE A FALLEN BODY? Well, after seeing if you could outswim a hurricane, that is.

Sango let out a moan, but not the sort of moan one would let out when every single body part hurt from falling off a cliff. The moan she let out was the orgasmic one let out when every single body part hurt from the best sexual encounter. Ever.

"InuYasha," she whispered in return, lifting her head so that she could look once again into his deep eyes. (Isn't that where this all started?) "InuYasha, I... don't know what to say."

"Please, don't say anything," the hanyou murmured, brushing her ruffled bangs affectionately away from her face. Sango felt tears brimming in her eyes as she nuzzled his hand before looking away.

"Please, don't. Miroku just died. My heart is broken. I love you, but no. I am being blunt."

"Sango, don't do this. My love died too, but I realized that you really were my love. You always were. The melodramatic soap-operaness of my speech should convince you that the love I bear for you is something that originated deep within my heart and is true."

"InuYasha, I can't."

"Yes, you can! It's simple."

"You don't understand. I love you, but it's Miroku's child that I am carrying."

InuYasha blinked, looking confused. "You'd smell differently if you were pregnant..."

Crickets chirped as Sango shifty-eyed and thought of a way to explain that away. Unable to, she changed the subject. "Did you know that Tetsusaiga's hilt is digging into my gut?"

"Sorry," InuYasha said, moving the offending sword hilt away.

Another awkward silence followed until Sango got this evil little smirk on her lips. "Is that Tetsusaiga's hilt now digging into my thigh?"

"Oh... Sorry. Shoulda put it somewhere better." Once again, InuYasha moved the offending sword hilt.

Sango glared as the innuendo went by unnoticed. DAMN, OBLIVIOUS MEN!

Realizing that Sango was glaring at him, InuYasha proceeded to get the look of a puppy that was caught sitting by a massive pile of doo-doo in the middle of his owner's favorite carpet.

"InuYasha..."

"WHAT? Just because I'm the only dog in the general area does NOT mean that this is my fault! Stop blaming me!238292111!11!1!11!"

The coral-eyed beauty blinked. "... ... . .. ... ... ... . . . ..."

InuYasha cleared his throat awkwardly. "I mean... Yes?"

"Can we have comfort sex now?"

The hanyou thought and then began snickering. As Sango began to get REALLY offended and started contemplating wether she should GUT or CASTRATE him first, he said, "Comfort sex... What an interesting concept."

"Is that a yes or a no, bastard?" she snapped.

"I am a dog. Literally. Would I refuse the author to have passionate sex with a DAMN sexy girl?"

"Well, seeing as I don't act like I know that I'm DAMN sexy or even just damn sexy, then maybe."

"Silly Sango. You silly little bagel. Of course I wouldn't!"

As Sango tried to think of exactly what she should say in response of being called a bagel, and a silly one at that, she realized that InuYasha had begun sucking on her neck and pulling at her kimono and nothing, not Miroku's love, not his child that she was and wasn't carrying at the same time, not the fact that everyone that she loved had died mattered.

All that mattered was the fact that getting her neck sucked on was the most orgasmic thing ever and the fact that she'd have a huge mark for the next three weeks that would make people think if she got too frisky with the cow was even hotter.

It was in the midst of this hot and heavy (and probably really dusty seeing as they were at the bottom of a cliff) sex, they realized that they loved each other.

Aww... How cute.

Or, maybe they just realized that the BLACK ABYSS OF POTS had sucked up their former lovers and so they, therefore, really no longer mattered.

They were so in love. It was awesome. Isn't it great how comfort sex can make everyone that much more in love? That if a relationship is lacking, all it needs is sex and the STDs that come with it to make people realize their love for one another.

Aww...

xxxxxx

"Kagome, I have a question."

"My, my, InuYasha, you're being quite the gentleman right now. Did reading that story make you realize that I could spontaneously die and you need to love and cherish me while I'm here?"

"Fuck no, wench. But what the hell's a 'bagel'?"


	6. Gender Bender

**Author's Note:** Now, this is my slash/m-preg spoof. Offended? Sorry, but I don't care. If someone's going to take this parody seriously and flame me, go ahead. I'll get a great laugh out of it. This is also a short chapter, but my last one was really long, so let that console you.

I'd respond to each reviewer, but there were a lot and I don't have the time right know. Thanks so much, though and I'm sorry that it took me so long to update. If it means anything, I've only been home for about 2 weeks this entire summer. Yeah, busy bee.

* * *

"Alright, everyone," Kagome said one morning in her usual, chipper, overly-happy, preppy sort of way. "I finally managed to get my health book and now I can show it to you all and explain the anatomy!" 

Everyone collectively blinked and Sango tentatively raised her hand. "Uh, Kagome... Why are you doing this?"

She sighed, looking at the others that she had ordered to sit behind rocks that conveniently resembled desks as she paced up and down infront of them. How many times had she had to explain this already? Really, it was border lining ridiculous. And was it just her or had InuYasha and Miroku been sending each other glances for a while. Glances that were either, "God, this chick's mental" or "Marry me, my love."

Strange how often the two coincided.

"Because people in this era still think that putting leeches on someone will suck away the bad blood," she said in a "duh" sort of tone.

"... And it's won't?"

"Hey wait a minute!" Miroku interrupted, taking a break from making gaa-gaa eyes at InuYasha. "That doesn't happen until the Middle Ages. We're still at the time when we think that demons exi- Oh, wait. They do."

He chuckled to himself, amused with his own obliviousness while Kagome looked at him curiously.

"Miroku... How do you know about the Middle Ages which is happening about now all the way in Europe?"

"I read."

She nodded, before realizing that magazines and newspapers hadn't been invented yet. "What?"

"Your school books."

Well that made considerable more sense.

"Alright," Kagome said, opening the book. "Now, this is called the uterus. It's found only in females and is where the fetus grows."

"What's a fetus, Kagome?" Shippou asked, not really curious, but trying to let everyone know that he was indeed there.

"It's an unborn baby."

Miroku suddenly raised his hand.

"Yes, Miroku?"

"I think that something's wrong with your book, Kagome."

She shook her head. "No, it's definitely not."

"Well, I hate to tell you this, Kagome, but the uterus can't only be in the female's body."

She and Sango exchanged curious glances. Miroku sighed at their naivety and rubbed his temple, probably asking Buddha why he had to explain everything.

"It clearly can be found in a male's body as well."

"No, Miroku, it really can't," Kagome began, oblivious to the look of horror that was slowly drifting across Sango and Shippou's faces. Yet again, Shippou wasn't really horrified; he was merely trying to remind everyone that he was, in fact, present. Actually, Kirara needed to do that too.

SUDDENLY! Kirara transformed and began running around, roaring and growling at everything that moved, even leaves that were being blown around on trees. She began foaming at the mouth and trying to gnaw one of her tails off before becoming bored with the entire display and shrinking back into CHIBI!Kirara.

Needless to say, no one was paying any attention to her except for Shippou who, again to remind people that he was in the scene, sat next to her and began patting her with a sad, "I know your pain" sort of smile.

"Well," said Miroku loudly, pausing to make sure that people were looking at him and not wondering what Kirara had been doing. "I believe that it is time that I explained this to you. InuYasha?"

The hanyou blinked, having had zoned out long ago. In fact, there was even a little drool hanging off his chin.

"Oh, right!" he said finally, wiping his chin clean and standing at attention. "Sir, no sir."

Miroku looked slightly confused.

"... Sir, yes sir!"

Realizing that he was the only one around with half a brain - gee, what gave him that hint? - the monk sighed and said with the subtly of an axe that lost its metal axe-part, "I'm pregnant with InuYasha's love child."

Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

"That's impossible!"

"What are you talking about?"

"InuYasha.." he asked skeptically. "Why are you so surprised?"

The-one-in-red thought about it for a while. He thought... and thought... and finally shrugged.

Kagome cleared her throat, a bit unsure of where to begin. "Uh... Miroku... Men don't have uteruses... How can you be pregnant?"

Sagely, Miroku said, "I believe the plural is uteri."

"The plural doesn't matter!" Sango blurted out. "How can you be pregnant?"

Miroku, to their surprise, began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. "You silly gooses! You silly bagels! When the Wind Tunnel was put in my hand, I was also given a uterus!"

Having been called a silly bagel two chapters in a row, Sango was rather close to her wit's end. In fact, she was standing right next to a sign that said, "Sango's wit's end" and, with each millisecond that past, it was slowly being pushed closer and closer to her by Shippou who still had no idea how to remind people that he was still there. He would have been pushing faster, but it was very heavy and he was small and weak and little and young and innocent and slowly being corrupted by the sexual tension crackling in the air.

As her wit's end approached (slowly, but steadily), Sango could only wait and hope that people didn't lose interest in the conversation. Unfortunately, they began to lose interest which was evitable by Kagome returning to her book, Miroku sighing at his stomach's direction and InuYasha discovering a strange invention called "doggie treats."

"DAMMIT!" Sango screamed, picking up her wit's end and standing on it at the same time. Harder than it sounds, believe me. "There, I'm at my wit's end and now I can have a long, lengthy monologue!"

Everyone looked up at her, like she was the preacher on the soapbox. Which she was, actually.

"I gave you the best years of my live, you ungrateful dog! I protected you, looked out for you, endured your constant ass-gropings and this is how you repay me? By having another man's child? For the love of all that is pure and innocent, you'd better be pulling some sort of very very very very very early April Fool's joke. If not, you'd better start running because I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

InuYasha began whimpering in terror. "I'm sorry, Sango! I'm sorry that I did this to you, but I- wait, I'm not carrying another man's child."

"I obviously meant Miroku, dipshit!" she snarled, using extra exclamation marks to show her anger at the given situation.

"Then why did you call him a dog?" InuYasha inquired heatedly, using extra question marks to show his confusion.

"Because he's being a slime ball," Kagome clarified with a nod.

At this point in time, Miroku started running because he knew that Sango would kill him because he was not doing some sort of "April Fool's" joke like she had been hoping. Quite honestly, he had no idea who April Fools was, much less what her joke would be.

"RUN!" Sango screamed, foaming at the mouth in her anger and lunging for him only to be held back by Kagome, Shippou and Kirara who was hanging on to the back of her kimono. Needless to say, InuYasha had run off to comfort his emotional love in a time of distress and to hope that he wasn't going to go into very premature labor. "RUN LIKE THE SPINELESS COWARDLY PIECE OF GRASS THAT YOU ARE!"

If people weren't sure that she truly was angry, they only had to look at her exclamation point and caps lock rage.

"Sango, no, don't," Kagome said, using dialogue worthy of a new Star Wars movie. "He's not worth it. He's a jerk. He sucks. You're too awesome for him."

This was all it took to make Sango feel better. Hey, it worked for Lucas and all his fans, why wouldn't it work for her?

She sniffled. "You're right. I'll just go get a hotter boyfriend, get a make over and make him realize what he lost."

"Or," Kagome said, wiggling her eyebrows in a suggestive way that no one would have ever thought Kagome was capable of. "You could get a couple hot girlfriends and make him want to join in an orgy."

Sango blinked, confused and wondering if Kagome was suggesting something. "What do you-"

She was cut off by Kagome suddenly bringing her face much to close and -

Sango woke up screaming, her eyes wide and screams that could have instantly killed Naraku ripping themselves painfully out from her throat.

"AAAHH! AAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!12342352!#$!"

Haha, you readers thought I forgot about exclamation mark mistakes. Suckers.

"Sango!" Miroku cried, running to her side. "What's wrong?"

She was, at the moment, so freaked out that she could barely talk, yo. All she could do was make a weird stammering, gurgling, choking on spit sound, but Miroku, apparently was able to understand her.

"Oh, Sango, how could I be pregnant with InuYasha's child? I don't have a uterus," he explained in a soothing voice that instantly washed away all of Sango's fears.

"Thank Kami," she said, using a half-Japanese sentence to prove that they were, indeed, in Feudal Japan. "Because it was the scariest-"

"Obviously InuYasha is pregnant with my child as he is a hanyou and, therefore, has a uterus."

Sango fainted dead away.

Kagome, who had just been passionately making out with InuYasha and about to get busy if you know what I mean - if you don't, look up the phrase on urban dictionary - and had stripped him of his haori only to find a very strange stomach bump, decided to listen to what Miroku had said earlier and decided to also faint dead away.

"Gee, what's wrong with them?" Shippou asked. He hesitated a moment and then also decided to faint dead away because, hey, all the cool kids were doing it.

InuYasha and Miroku blinked at each other, before seductively fluttering their almost non-existent eyelashes.

"Well, now that we're alone-ish..."

* * *

"That was slightly scarring..."

"I know! Everyone kept ignoring me! How crazy is that?"

"Shippou, he meant the whole "being in love with InuYasha" thing."

"No, I meant ... Haha, just kidding, Sango. Sango?"

"I think she fainted again, Miroku."


	7. InuPotter

**Author's Note:** Wow. It has been almost a year since I updated this thing. Too bad seeing as I love it and shouldn't have, y'know, gotten distracted by EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Hahaaaaa. Well, I hope people still read this thing. If not, then, y'all suck.

PS Crossover fics are probably the most ridiculous things ever. And, as in all my chapters, I try to subtly highlight the complete absurdity of, well, everything.

* * *

Some things in this world are simply meant to be. Peanut butter and jelly. Fireplaces and hot chocolate. Rain and clouds. Smoke and fire. Uh... Pickles and ice cream. Ok, don't hate on pregnant women now. Not their fault they got the pregs. 

Other things should never be seen together. Onions and chocolate. Garlic and Pepsi. Mushrooms. Zucchini. That weird flavor of Dentyne Ice that tastes like cough syrup from the 1800's.

Harry Potter characters and the InuYasha cast.

But sometimes life isn't perfect. The rules are broken. Ridiculous authors think they have "ingenious" plots about how "magical" kids can "appear" in the "Feudal Era" and "fall" in love "with" demons. Clearly the author's motto is "the more the merrier" for the has started using quotation marks like candy. And likes it.

Now, it's hard to know exactly what happened because magic is kinda hard to understand for the obvious reasons. Turning animals into water goblets? WTF, mate? Why would you even want to do that? Why not do something cool like make your goose lay golden eggs? Oh, that was used already, wasn't it? Damn. Weelllll, as you all know, fucked up stuff happens at Hogwarts. Here's how the characters ended up in Feudal Japan.

Some key characters (the Golden Trio and Longbottom) were trying to make a potion. Hermione had the brilliant idea of putting Neville in charge of it. Despite everyone's protests.

"Look everyone," she said in exasperation because that's one of the three ways she can say things. "Honestly, I know what I'm doing. Neville's, honestly, a genius and, honestly, we need to trust in his klutzy ways. Honestly, he honestly knows what he's doing. Honestly. Honestly, kids. Honestly."

Harry and Ron shrug, deciding that that was a good enough explanation. And even if it wasn't, honestly was one of the 12 words in Hermione's vocabulary and "to be honest" means "to not lie" so if she was saying things honestly, then she wasn't lying and was telling the truth. Meaning that Neville was a genius. Honestly.

"A'ight."

"Coo'."

Neville, however, was a little nervous. And he became a little more nervous when Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, Cho (PS, one of my friend's middle names is Cho and it's kinda exciting. But she's not Chinese. She's Korean. So maybe Rowling was a little confused with her ethnicities. Silly Rowling.), Hagrid, Fluffy, Buckbeak, Tonks, that one girl from Hufflepuff, Blaise Zabini and Voldemort all randomly showed up.

Quite impressive really seeing as they were hiding out in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom doing a secret potion that no one was supposed to know about.

"EVERYONE OUT!" Moaning Myrtle sobbed. "This is the _girl's_ lavatory." She's so British right now. "If you little buggers don't get out - use the stairs instead of the lift - and eat some potato crisps, I'll have no choice but to bloody do-something-British!"

All the boys shuffled awkwardly. Blaise Zabini just shuffled because, let's be honest, no one knows what gender that kid's got. (Serious therapy bills are being sent to Mr and Mrs Zabini as we speak.) Sure, Rowling decided that _he_ was a black boy in the 6th book, but Zabini's clearly an Italian name and Blaise is either a French boy's name or a Hebrew unisex name. So Blaise should be an Italian hermaphrodite with a big nose.

Wonder what bathroom s/he'd use.

Aaaanyway. Too much time is being spent in Hogwarts. Here's the 8 chapter synopsis.

Neville fucks up the potion. Random HP characters end up in the Bone Eater's well. Everyone's confused.

"What's going on, mate?"

"No bloody idea."

"Bloody hell!"

"Crisps! Bonnet! Lift! Lavatory! Football!"

Confused _and_ _British._

For no apparent reason, InuYasha, Miroku, Sango, Shippou, Kirara, Kohaku, Naraku, Sesshoumaru, Kagura, Kanna, that one girl that got spikes through the gut and had a HUGE dinosaur chicken for a mom, Kouga, Ayame and a bunch of other people were all chilling near the well. They were kinda having a picnic. It was nice. The bad guys were on one side with a black and black checkered table cloth and the good guys were on another with a white and white checkered table cloth. The bad guys ate gross things like eye of newt and scorpion tails. The good guys ate nice things like cake, pizza and ice cream.

Kagura was sitting with the good guys because she didn't want to eat gross things.

Kirara was with the bad guys because, since she's a cat, she eats funny things.

Sesshoumaru was just awkward because, deep down, he likes cake, pizza and ice cream, but he didn't want to be near his brother.

But everyone was confused when a buncha people in robes and with wands appeared out of the well.

"Huh?"

"Nani?"

"Osuwari! Ramen! Sushi! Mitsubishi!"

Confused _and Japanese._

It was kinda awkward because, let's be honest, the Brits don't speak Japanese and the Japs don't speak Brit. Oooh, I just used racially not ok slurs. Bad author! BAD!

The author proceeds to cling to her Japanese friends and apologize incessantly. They find her annoying and carefully steer away from her stories and her for the rest of their lives.

Fortunately, Hermione's a genius and was able to invent a spell that allowed each of the groups to understand one another. Even more fortunately, they were able to understand each other verbally _and_ emotionally so they could become BFFs.

"Wait, wait wait. Hold the phone," Naraku said, looking incredulously at Voldemort who just so happened to have a Muggle phone in his hand that he lifted over his head. And waved around just for good measure. "You want to be the evil ruler of the world as we know it?"

"Yeah, pretty much. And I want to kill my nemesis. -dramatic pause- Harry Potter."

"... This could be the start of a beautiful friendship."

Meanwhile, Harry and InuYasha were realizing that despite the fact that one was melodramatic and angsty while the other was hot headed and rash, they were pretty similar. Both orphans, both "alone" in the world, both either had bad dialogue or couldn't act (three guesses as to which is which) and were waaaaaay more powerful than they logically could be. And, to top it all off, they both had evil nemesis. Es. Nemesises.

"Woah, woah woah. Hold the instrument of communication," Harry Potter said, looking incredulously at InuYasha who didn't have an instrument of communication, but did have a sandwich that he was eating. "There's an evil git out to get you too? And you have another enemy that makes your life hell?"

"Yeah, my brother's a bitch like that."

"... This could be the start of a beautiful friend-"

"Like hell it will be."

"InuYasha, SIT!"

Other characters found other ways to bond. Draco was trying to get chummy with Sesshoumaru because both, clearly, had the most amazing hair of the group - go ask any fangirls. Plus, both had annoying people that followed them and clung onto them. AKA Croyle and Riken. Takes too much time to spell out both names. Plus both had girls that they were destined to be with even though not everyone would admit to it. AKA Pansy and Kagura. Ok, those could both be spelled out cause it was only one name each.

"What I'd give to have really really ridiculously good looking girls following me across the country. All I've got is this girl 'with a face like a pug' (quoted from whatever page of HP1) who I'm probably betrothed to because Slytherins seem to be old-fashioned like that."

"Bitch, please," Sesshoumaru said. "Your girl'll do anything you want her to. This one wants me to do crazy ass things like kill her motherfucking "father". Bitch is fucked up."

Needless to say, the crazy ass bitch was kinda miffed for the things he was saying at her and Pansy really didn't like her ugliness being pointed out. She was a sensitive girl. Deep deep deep down. So the two got together to formulate a pact.

Kagura was twirling her fan around her fingers all skillfully. "Wait a minute, you're saying that Draco's a whimpering pussy that's bossed around by everyone more powerful than he is?"

"Pretty much. And Sesshoumaru's rich? Like, really rich? Ridiculously rich?"

"Bitch, he's the Lord of the Western Lands."

"... Uh..."

"Yes, he's rich." Kagura sighed, realizing that the girl was really stupid. And that that sentence was probably the most obvious and worst sentence ever.

"So we have a deal to switch heartthrobs?"

"I think so."

The two spit onto their palms and shook hands while skipping in a circle, eyes crossed, sticking out their tongues and singing some terrible modern songs that neither of them should know for the hopefully obvious reasons. In other words, it was a deal.

Shippou and Blaise were having an interesting conversation about how no one understood - or paid any attention - to either of them.

"It's hard being in this kid's body," Shippou said, taking a long drag on a cigarette. "See, I'm 75 years old, but still look and act like a child. Kagome has no idea that I'm hitting on her and like clinging to her legs cause I can see up her skirt and want her to SIT! InuYasha all the time cause maybe he'll get brain damage and she'll want me instead."

Blaise nodded knowingly, spitting tobacco juice into a goblet marked CRUNK JUICE that belonged to the crazy party girls that gave amazing head known as the Parvati sisters. "Fo sho, g, I feel you. Don't get no love in the books, but all the bitches want me in fanfiction. Both teams wanna go down on me, yo."

"Blaise?"

"Sup, shawty?"

Shippou took a dramatic pause, waiting to unveil the ever present question. "Are you a boy or a girl?"

"Homie, you be trippin'! I'm a-"

Nearby, Kirara and Fluffy were having fun running around and wreaking havoc on the picnic. But most everyone ignored them because unless they were being vital to the plot at that moment, they really didn't matter. And they weren't being vital. Not at all. Nope. Not even a smidgeon.

Now, things were a little awkward for Hermione, Ron, Miroku and Sango. Because they actually were living identical lives - except for minor details such as being magical as opposed to fighters, being white instead of Asian, living in a comfy castle as opposed to roughing it in the woods, y'know. Minor things. But they couldn't really start having heart to hearts about how rough it was to be -shudder- supporting characters. And the girls couldn't exactly admit to the struggles they had to go through due to their loves dating/flirting with/paying attention to other girls.

First of all, that would mean they would have to admit that they _liked_ them and that's a no-no because, clearly, they weren't mature young adults and everyone thought that the opposite gender had cooties. Secondly, it would mean that, deep down, they were jealous, domineering, possessive sex kittens and that would _totally_ ruin the bookworm/innocent demon slayer images they had going on.

So they just sorta sat around in a little circle, twiddling their thumbs and smiling at each other politely in that way that you smile at family when your mom's retelling the story of how you used to run around the house naked for the 50th time in one night when your friends are over and all you want to do is run away - Oh, is that just me?

Wellllllllllll, this sure is awkward.

Luckily Hermione voice of reason. And she reasoned that it was just about time to break up this party.

"Ok, team, time to blow this popsicle stand. We gots to get back to Hogwarts and learn some magic, yo!"

No one took her seriously. Ever. But they definitely didn't take her seriously when she tried to be "hip" and "modern" and "cool". In fact, they all started laughing, chuckling, guffawing, giggling and having rapid diaphragm contractions that resulted in air being loudly expelled from their bodies in a happy manner.

Rather than leaving, everyone returned to their picnics, giggling and pouring tea that was actually apple juice because tea is gross and eating cookies while sharing secrets and telling stories.

I'd say that everyone lived happily ever after, but we're still waiting for the sequel.

* * *

"Wait a minute! I didn't get a chance to connect with anybody! Why would I be left out?"

"Feh."

"Really! I've read those books and Ginny's perfect for me! _We're almost the same person!_"

"Is anyone else bothered by the fact that she's taking this so badly?"


	8. Look! BOOBS!

**Author's Note:** Ummmm... Sorry. I hated on mpreg/slash, so clearly femmeslash had it coming too. I'd appologize or something, but... if you were easily offended, would you be reading this?

No individual review comments cause I'm a lazy bitch. But I love you guys! Thanks for reading this. Even though it's kinda terrible. Heh heh heh...

* * *

This fine day, the author was sad. So sad that she had resorted to eating gallons of ice cream while watching tear inducing chick flicks. In fact, she hadn't even showered in a while and hadn't seen the sun in a couple of days. Stapling blankets up around your windows could do that. 

Needless to say, she wasn't really feeling much better. She was just feeling smelly, fat and like she was gonna start turning albino soon. And all because she didn't get enough reviews. Well, it was time to make some changes.

No, not changes that made sense. Like showering. Going outside. Eating better. Tch, where would ideas like that come from?

Instead, she was going to get more reviews. And she had a perfectly brilliant idea of how to do so.

She was going to find an incredible lezzie pairing to hook both the guys that couldn't get any and the girls that would feel bad for a misunderstood couple that was so obviously hinted at in the manga/anime/fanart/fanficion.

Right, to get down to business.

The usual suspects were hanging out in the Feudal Era, just chilling, eating ramen, gossiping. The usual. It would almost seem weird that they had all this free time, but then again, didn't most of the anime episodes start with them just hanging out, possibly discussing some nearby youkai threat, but doing nothing about it?

Yeah, for people who lived in a warring time and were trying to kill pretty much the most powerful demon of all time, they spent a lot of time relaxing.

"Excuse me, most powerful demon? That little son of a bitch has NOTHING on me."

Sesshoumaru's a little touchy about things like that.

But we had to get back to the plot quickly before readers were discouraged and went to go read an Ayame/Kikyou fic or something like that.

"Hey, Sango, could you pass the poky?" Miroku asked surprisingly innocently.

"Of course." Sango reached for the poky, making the mistake of turning and exposing her ghetto booty. Seriously, her ass must be amazing or Miroku wouldn't risk all his concussions just to cop a feel. Characteristically, Miroku copped a feel.

"AIEEEE! HENTAI!"

Even more characteristically, Sango slammed him over the head with her Hiraikotsu. The author was pleased that everyone was so IC thus far.

But, this time, Miroku just couldn't take being hit anymore. In fact, his fuse was so short that he was going to explode. Not literally cause that would be kinda gross, but metaphorically. Seriously, he was a hot piece of ass and was starting to get really frustrated that this girl kept turning him down. It was definitely not good for the ego.

"Alright, Sango, that's it," he yelled in a very uncharacteristic, angry, furious, yelling sort of way. "You can't hate me that much. In fact, when's the last time you were with a man?"

"Miroku, we're trying to kill Naraku," the under attack girl stated, trying to defend herself with something stupid like, y'know, reason. "There's not much time for-"

"BS!" Miroku screamed. "BS BS BS BS BS! What are we doing now? Just chilling. Why do you never touch guys? HUH? You hate us! I bet you're a great big LESBIAN!"

She blinked, about to say something like, "Ok, I think you're jumping to conclusions" when a funny wind began blowing and her cue cards went flying only to be replaced by ones written with terrible handwriting and even worse spelling and grammar. The wind stopped and, mesmerized, Sango began to read them.

"_Look around awkwardly_... Oh, I get it. Stage directions. Alright, let's try this again."

She looked around awkwardly, half chucking in the awkward silence that followed. "Miroku, why would you say something like that? I probably just haven't gotten my hormones yet. Yeah, that's it. Hormones." She chuckled awkwardly again, doing the whole shifty eyes business and hoping that someone nice, like Kagome, would cover for her.

InuYasha and Miroku started nodding knowingly, assuming that that was a perfectly good excuse. After all, there were lots of girls that had an FFF bra-size that had no hormones. This was anime after all! You got boobs at age 13! If only that happened in real life. Man, I would have been **HOTT**. With two T's for emphasis.

However, the story had to be longer so there needed to be some soap opera style drama. So rather than have that episode blow over, Kagome decided that an intervention was necessary.

"I'm sorry Sango, but I can't keep lying any longer."

Sango blinked, confused again before glancing over at the new cue cards. Her eyes widened as she suddenly realized what was going to happen. She was about to protest when the sky turned black and lightening flashed above their heads.

"Do not anger the cue card gods, girl! You do not know the limits of our wrath!"

She began nodding fervently before realizing that most badfic readers wouldn't know what fervently meant and began nodding very very quickly and passionately instead. Just as quickly as that weird weather thing had begun, the clouds turned pink and faded away in a very nice manner and the sun came back. Birds chirped. Flowers smelled pretty. No one thought the temporary weather change was weird at all.

"That's right, Kagome. I can't lie any longer either."

The others looked around in a very confused sort of manner. "Nani?"

Kagome dramatically threw a hand across her forehead and began fighting back tears. Her eyelashes ganged together and linked, uh, eyelash mites (they really do exists, people) to make a slick little wall so that the tears wouldn't be able to get out no matter how hard they tried.

"Sango and I are in love! We have hot lesbian sex each time we take a bath together!"

The guys blinked, looked at their respective cue cards.

"What? We're supposed to be pissed?"

"FUCK NO! This is just what I want!"

The disembodied voice of the cue card gods appeared again. "No you don't! You must be cruel and not understand their secret love! This is the Feudal Era, bitches! People aren't going to accept homosexuality in the 21st Century! Why would they accept it now?"

The two guys, hanyou and houshi alike thought for a second, then nodded.

"Ew."

"You're gross."

"We can no longer accept you."

"Get the fuck outta here."

"Yeah, what he said, you whores."

"Yeah! Yeah! You're stupid!" Shippou interjected because he had the sneaking suspicion that people were forgetting that he was an avid member of the InuGang.

Sango and Kagome made sad faces by pouting and, heads hung in rejection, walked away. They weren't really sure where they were going, but they were walking away from the jerks that had just shunned them. Unfortunately, they also weren't looking where they were going so they accidentally stepped on Shippou and Kirara just to remind people that sometimes they were there and sometimes they got in the way too.

"Oh no! Wait, Kirara, you should come with us just incase we need to travel a lot of ground! Besides, you're cute."

"Yeah, and we need to get a head start on the whole "crazy cat lady" thing."

"Oh, for sure."

So Kirara joined the two suddenly lesbian characters on an epic travel across Feudal Japan. There were, naturally, several erotic sex scenes throughout the quest because when there's no plot, the readers need to stay for some reason. Until the author found a plot. If that would ever happen.

"Maybe we should find some more people like us and start a secret colony where we're understood and can live freely and happily," Kagome said one day, taking Sango's hand dramatically into her own and gazing lovingly into her eyes.

"Oh, that'd be tight! We could be like those chicks on Lesbos back in the Greek time," Sango said happily. "Did you know that that's where the word lesbian comes from? Pretty cool, huh?"

"Sango, I'm not here to get a history lesson from you." Rolling her eyes, Kagome finished with a simple, "I'm not the token smart character after all."

"Oh yeah... That was Miroku." Sango's eyes watered up before she remembered her role as the token dominatrix/butch lesbian and that she didn't really love him after all.

"You know," Kagome said, reading the cue cards that described Sango's previous revelation. "We could use a token dominatrix/butch lesbian. After all, I'm the girly one and you're the man hater. We sure are missing out on a lot of stereotypical girls."

Right on cue, Kagura appeared. Just like that. It was kinda an all around awkward situation because she had her Sesshoumaru and Naraku action figures in hand (see chapter, uh, Kouga/Kagura for back story) and looked very confused.

"Ok, now this is kinda weird..." She blinked upon seeing the cue cards and instantly went crazy. "WHAT? Throw away my action figures? Ok, first of all, they're action figures, not dolls. And secondly, although every word I speak seems to be dripping with sexual tension and a sultry tone, girls have two things that I'm not used to and don't have something that I really like."

She took a deep breath, continuing on her rant despite Kagome and Sango waving their hands rapidly, trying to get her to shut up before the cue card gods were angered. But Kagura's a tough cookie and wasn't going to stop halfway through her rant.

"Seriously," she continued, yelling, of course. Even though constant yelling is annoying and sometimes it's scarier to be quiet and glare. "If you'd ever been with Sesshoumaru, girls wouldn't interest you in the least. Let's put it this way, he's the Lord of the Western Lands. Bitch."

Kagome blinked seeing as there's no other way to express confusion. "I've been with Sesshoumaru. And he's kinda a disappointment. He doesn't like doing his nails, gets really touchy when all you want to do is brush his hair and is no help with applying make up."

"Girl, what are you talking about?" Sango asked.

"She said she's been with Sesshoumaru. Like hanging out. Duh. Girls rule, boys drool."

The wind witch let out a long sigh and began rubbing her temples. Did the token ditzy characters really have to be this naive?

The sky darkened as an angry voice filled the air. "Yes! Now return to the plot!"

Kagura decided to let Kagome's naivety slide. After all, there were only so many ways that one could explain sex, fucking, fornication, sexual intercourse, doing the deed, the horizontal tango, getting it on, and getting laid. She wasn't sure if Kagome would get any of it.

"So let me get this straight." She let out a long sigh, eyeing the cue cards apprehensively. "I'm a lesbian and I want to have a sexy threesome with you? And then scour Japan for the rest of us while castrating men cause 'omg theyre stooooooooooooopid'?"

The two nodded.

"Pretty much."

"Seems about right."

"Oh, wait, you're also supposed to be the dominatrix/butch one, but you're not our leader."

"Hell nah. That'd make too much sense."

"After all, what's a better leader than a dominatrix/butch lezzie?"

"Um... I dunno, what is?"

"Obviously the ditzy one that giggles a lot and has experience from the modern era."

"Please, like lesbian sex hasn't been around forever."

Kagura suddenly got really confused cause she had no idea who was talking anymore. She began jumping up and down, waving her hands around and trying to get their attention. "HOLD IT, GIRLS!"

Finally the two stopped their intellectual debate. Kagome folded up her glasses and tucked them into her backpack while Sango changed out of her business suit and then got really curious about how her demon slayer outfit managed to be hidden under it. And why she was wearing it all of a sudden.

"Cause it's SECKSAY!"

Yup, the cue card gods again.

"Oh, and by the way, Kagura, Kikyou's coming. She's gonna fire a Sacred Arrow at you. Your tops coming off. Instead of killing each other, you have passionate sex."

Kagura blinked again, looking up at the sky where the disembodied voice was coming from. "But... Ok, so, fine, I hate Kikyou, but... wouldn't her Sacred Arrow kinda, I dunno, make a giant hole in me?"

"Yeah, but since you don't have a heart, you just heal right away."

"... That was actually the smartest thing you've said throughout this whole chapter."

"Fo' sho'. I watch the anime."

"Do you read the manga?"

There was an awkward silence. If the disembodied voice had a body - or at least eyes - it would be doing that shifty eye business that people do when they lie. "Yeeesss..."

"Then you'd know that I die practically in Sesshoumaru's arms!" Kagura's eyes filled up with tears and she began throwing a tantrum like a two year old. Which she kinda was. Except in a banging body. "I want my Sesshoumaru!"

Her agony seemed to bring the others to their senses in a way. Instantly, Kagome and Sango realized that, wait a minute, they kinda like some boys. Or boiz like how Avril would spell it.

So they all started crying. It was sad. The cue card gods began fumbling with the cue cards in an attempt to get things back on track.

"This is all wrong! All wrong! You're supposed to be mid-orgasm right now! Why isn't there a nipple in your teeth? AAAARRRGHHH! Fine! Skipping forward to chapter 21!"

Suddenly, Ayame appeared. For some reason, she was chewing bubble gum. Probably cause it was seductive in a flirty, thirteen year old girl sort of way.

"Hey, ho!" She giggled, tossing a ponytail over her shoulder. Good thing she was hot. And chipper enough to melt even the straightest of hearts.

"Da**yum**."

* * *

"Wait, why didn't **I** get to be a sexy lesbian?"

"Because, Kaede, you're gross. And wrinkly."

"Please, girl, I still got it."

"Sick."


End file.
